Few things are more distracting than the cruel stories we tell ourselves.
Ryder Carroll
I don’t know who this is for — me, someone else, maybe nobody. Doesn’t matter. I just need it out of my head. Probably one of those “hindsight is 20/20” stories. Or maybe it’s just a thinly veiled cry for someone to tell me I’m awesome (I don’t). Who knows? Mainly, I’m just needing a way to document my weight loss journey for myself and anyone else who wants to come along for the ride.
<insert wavy transition into the past>
Early Misunderstandings
I’ve always been overweight. Or at least in my mind I always have been. Body dysmorphia is a hell of a thing to deal with, especially when you don’t realize that you probably struggle with it. Never actually been diagnosed with it officially, but I fit enough of the symptoms to be reasonably confident that I’m affected by it. Pair that up with ADHD and a probable comorbidity of OCD, and it becomes a likely bet.
I’ve always felt overweight. Whether I actually was? That’s another story — but when you hear “big,” “husky,” or “solid” enough times growing up, it becomes your identity.
I didn’t question it.
Why would I? Everyone else seemed pretty sure. I mean, they can’t be wrong, right?
The truth? I just hit puberty early. Ironic seeing as how I was a preemie but somehow ended up outgrowing the pack for a bit. And unfortunately, the labels stuck — even when the size didn’t.
I’m ADHD, remember? I think I said that already. I forget things easily — except for dumb little facts no one asked for (like how C.S. Lewis died on the same day as JFK, but it didn’t really make headlines since…well…JFK).
These days, ADHD is finally getting the spotlight. Back in the early 2000s? It was the “your kid’s just hyper” diagnosis. Thankfully, I had parents that were receptive to getting me the help I needed, with the information that they had available to them, and so at around 8 years old, I was officially diagnosed and put on medication. Unfortunately, what no one really understood at the time is the fact that ADHD is neuro divergent. In fact, I don’t even know if that term was being used much before the 2010s. At least not in the way it is now. So, I grew up just thinking I was a little more hyperactive than the other kids. But the medication helped a lot, and I sailed through school without much trouble.
Except for that pesky “weight problem”.
Labels Become Beliefs
It didn’t really become an issue for me mentally until high school. Mind you, I was NOT fat. But the mind can be a crazy thing, and it creates the reality it wants. Like I said, you get called some form of “big” enough times and you just believe it.
So that’s what I was in my mind. I was “overweight”, even though I really wasn’t. In fact, I didn’t realize that I was probably about the weight I needed to be. However, coupled with zero understanding of nutrition and ADHD-driven binge eating (I would eat anything and everything once the meds wore off each night), and it’s a recipe for becoming chonky. Toss in a slowing metabolism, no workouts, and the joys of aging, and it’s just a matter of time before belief becomes reality.
By high school graduation in 2009, I’m probably sitting at about 180–200 lbs.
The Spiral Begins
During the first year of college, I ate pretty much whatever I wanted to. I maybe gained 20 lbs. during this time. Nothing too crazy, and my weight hovered here for a couple more years without much change in either direction. I didn’t really have to pay much of the “fat bill” at this point.
Around 2017, that bill started to come due. And remember, I still consider myself to be “fat” and “the big guy”, but I haven’t truly been that until now.
From 2017 to 2023, the cycle went as such:
Start a new diet. Weight goes up. Get a gym membership. Nothing changes. Slowly accept the fact that I’m just going to be fat for the rest of my life. Lose motivation for a few months. Read some motivational articles, find a new program, or watch an inspirational video. Rinse and repeat for another year.
I go from about 220 to 335 lbs. in the span, an increase of around 19 lbs. per year. A big chunk of that came during 2019 — no surprise there, considering the absolute madness of a stressful, complicated pregnancy that ended with the best thing that’s ever happened to us: our daughter.
At this point, I’m simply accepting the idea that I’ll just be fat my whole life. Why not? I mean, it’s pretty useless to even try to lose that weight. Nothing works, and anytime I try the scale just continues to creep up.
Underlying Unknowns
I had no clue what hyperinsulinemia was (cue dramatic foreshadowing sparkles), nor any idea that calories in/calories out is not always the best advice to follow when you’re already obese. I mean, it’s obviously foundational for weight loss, and I get that. But when you don’t realize your insulin levels are off the charts and your body’s been stuck in storage mode, hoarding fat like a pandemic shopper hoarding toilet paper (too soon?), it makes that “simple” process a hundred times harder.
It’d take a couple more years for me to figure out that things in my body were a little worse off than just simply “being fat”.
Just So We’re on the Same Page
Before I wrap this up, I want to make something really clear — especially for anyone reading this who knows me personally:
I am responsible for my own actions.
I already know that people close to me are going to read this and think I blame them…
Well, stop it, because I don’t.
At the end of the day, I made the choices to shovel the food in my mouth-hole. No one else did that but me. Regardless of what I may have believed about myself, I’m still responsible for me and my actions.
I truly believe that people usually mean well. Yes, we all know there are those who go out of their way just to tear others down.
Like the amazing human being of a boss I worked for once, who told me — right before an office potluck — “Just one plate, Josh. Make sure there’s enough for everyone. I’m pretty sure,” he said with a huge grin, “that you aren’t going to go hungry anytime soon.”
But most people? They’re not trying to be hurtful — they’re just saying what they see.
I usually hate the phrase “it is what it is.” Feels like a lazy shrug. But sometimes? It’s not wrong.
Nor does it have to stay that way.
Anyway — more on that next time. I’ve got groceries to grab.
(Next article in this series can be found here.)
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